Dark.
Freezing.
He doesn't care. He doesn't notice.
He doesn't know why he's here.
The snow in front of him lies like a blanket to the tree line a quarter mile away. A dark mass, only made visible by a pale full moon that lights the field in front of him in a pale phantasmagoric glow. A hundred yards to his right lies the tall grass poking through the white snow like skyscrapers of a city flooded and stilled by time. By silence.
By death.
it can't be it isn't possible how could
Nothing is moving. There isn't a sound. Every time he shifts his weight, the snow groans under his shoe. His shoe. His feet are too cold. He should have grabbed the boots instead.
He doesn't care. He doesn't notice.
He doesn't know why he's here.
The lack of sound in the still night presses into his ears. The pressure is immense.
there has to be something i can do someway i can fix it this isn't real this isn't real why
A cold wind blows and his body shivers without his mind's permission. His mind is a million miles away. His mind is on last Christmas. His mind is on next Christmas. His mind brought him out here for no reason.
"I should call my mom." No, go outside.
"I should go to the hospital." No, go outside.
"I should say goodbye." No, go outside.
And here he stands under a beautiful starry moonlit sky, on a snowy field disturbed only by the footprints left by his wet sneakers. There is no sound. There is no movement. The wind has stopped. The snow has stopped.
The world has stopped.
And he is alone.
His breath steams before his eyes and dissipates, infuriating in its simplicity. It's so easy to breathe. It's so easy.
why can't she just do it why can't she
So many thoughts flying by like cars on the highway. Here and gone too quickly to focus on.
Here and gone too quickly.
He closes his eyes and tries to remember everything. There will be nothing new to remember. It's all happened. Her laugh. Her smile. The look she gave him when he hurt her feelings. Now it's only alive in his mind. Nowhere else.
take it back what do i have to do there's got to be something there's got to
come back
Here and gone too quickly.
And somewhere, someone is laughing. Somewhere someone just had the best day of their lives. Someone had a child. Someone fell in love.
Somewhere far away, life is beautiful.
Yesterday he was busy. Yesterday he didn't think about her once. She never crossed his mind.
He'll never forget that. Maybe someday he'll forgive himself. He'll never forget.
This moment. This field. This night. This silence. This treeline. This stillness. It will be tattooed on his heart for the rest of his life. It will be a small pebble, completely inadequate to fill the hole where she was. That spot will starve until he dies. Until he sees her again.
There is no end to this story. There is no final piece. No closing. No structure. A beginning with no middle, with no end.
That would be too fair.
He doesn't know why he's here.
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